Just as no two people are alike, neither are their life experiences, traditions or customs. Christians celebrate Christmas as the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus. Those of other faiths or no faith at all celebrate the season’s joy and goodwill, the winter solstice and of course, Santa Claus.
I used to love the hustle and bustle of Christmas in the city. I loved going shopping in the snow. I loved surprising my loved ones with gifts selected especially for them. I loved the old traditions I brought forth from my childhood into my children’s lives. I loved beginning new ones.
I loved sipping hot cocoa when it was cold outside and stirring it with a peppermint candy cane. I loved all the baking and cooking preparing for the big day.
I loved going to church on Christmas Eve and taking communion.
I didn’t love the over-crowded malls or lack of parking, but there are trade-offs to everything, right?
As time goes on things change. Children grow up. Funds with which to celebrate can be in abundance one year and nearly non-existent the next. It becomes more difficult with each candle on a birthday cake to bake the 1000’s of cookies and cakes we loved to present to family and friends. Grown children move away from home, and all I can say about that is “Thank you Jesus for the technology of FaceTime!”
And, unfortunately, loved ones die.
Things change.
I am not the only person in the world who has lost a loved one, and not the only one suffering that loss during the Christmas season. I know that, and I understand that. I know my family members and friends who have moved on are celebrating the birth of Christ with Jesus and they are in a “better place” but some days that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I’ve had 13 years to get used to being alone, and it has taken at least 12 of those years to achieve this goal. Yet, there are still days when 13 years is not enough.
The first few years I was so grief stricken I didn’t even decorate for Christmas. Shopping became a chore.
Cooking became a nice distraction but I’m not sure I remembered to put all the love in the batter, so it eventually became meaningless.
A few years into my widowhood I began to decorate a bit, but I typically failed to undecorate. It just took too much energy. One February a friend of mine told me she enjoyed driving into town every day for work because she could see my Christmas lights through the blinds in my house. I think I took my tree down in March that year.
I tried so hard not to feel sorry for myself, but my grieving process took a very long time. I know that. I’m not especially proud of it – I, like my friends, thought I should try to go forward. And forward I went, but with a deep sadness in my heart.
I didn’t experience all the stages of grief. I never became angry. I never blamed God. But all the prayers and communions didn’t turn my sadness to joy. I know God still held me in His arms, but I was numb. I couldn’t feel it. I was deaf and blind to the blessings that surrounded me. My faith was intact, but I had no idea what to do with it at that point. I went through all the motions, but I sat in church on Christmas Eve every year with tears streaming down my face.
A few years later, beginning to feel a little of my “new normal,” I was diagnosed with cancer. I fought like a champ because I just couldn’t allow my kids to go through the loss of a parent – or step-parent – again.
A few years later the cancer was back. The chemo was so intense I spent some holidays alone, unable to drive even two hours to Wichita to see my kiddos and too sick to ask them to come to me.
I thank God every day for my friends who carried me through that season of my life.
My point in all this is that while the holidays can be a lot of fun whether celebrated for religious reasons or not, it just isn’t the same for everyone.
Some people are experiencing the worst days of their lives.
This holiday season, I am asking you to visit those who might be alone no matter what their age. If someone you know is missing a loved one with pain in their hearts, reach out. Visit a nursing home with inexpensive gifts or cards for those who require constant medical assistance. Visit a hospital. Cardiac patients, cancer patients and hospitalized children would love to have some company from a smiling face. After the last few years those who work in the healthcare industry could probably use a bright smile and “Merry Christmas” as well.
If you have a neighbor who is elderly or a shut-in, deliver a holiday meal. Go caroling with some friends. Pick a few wishes from the Angel Tree. Let them know they are not forgotten, they are not alone, and the season can still be joyful, with you providing the joy. Donate to the non-profits whose mission is to help those in need. You never know when you might need them as well.
Do whatever you can to ease your neighbor’s pain, whether it be physical or psychological. Don’t let them lose their reason for the season.
Things change with time. Even at Christmas.
- Jyll Phillips, Slightly Off Key LSR Editor Emeritus
